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cinderella died yesterday"burn your tiaras,
bury your fairy godmother.
it's time for you to grow up now, you're
no peter pan.
forget never never land.
stars are just burning balls of gas that are
slowly running out of time- they can't
hear your wishes.
cast aside your dr. seuss books like you will
later cast aside your bibles.
after all, a fairy tale is a fairytale is a fairytale.
life will teach you that.
grace, you were born into a role
only a very strong girl can play.
see, society will hate you for being
what they don't want to believe.
surrender your throne, your castle is under siege.
stop being fascinated with the sky,
you'll never go there.
keep your feet on the ground, and steady yourself
before you help another.
your brain is more logical than your heart,
therefore take your instructions from it.
promises can be broken as easily as can be made.
do not rely on something as weak as miracles and love-
and if you only have one piece of armor,
defend your back from the people you trust the most.
criss-crossed veins for the trigger girliii.
"you're not okay."
"no, you're lying. i can tell. everyone has a trigger."
she's walking around in circles
and trying to pick up her broken pieces, but they're
not fitting like they used to,
something's damaged beyond repair.
"Why are you doing this to yourself?"
"because i've forgotten what it feels like to heal."
she regrets not cutting deeper, when she sees the life
still running through her veins, and her parents asleep
on the hospital chairs.
she comes to school the next day with a bandaged hand
and blue eyes that seem a bit dimmer.
"i broke a mirror."
her cracks speak louder than her words.
she slams her locker door and almost hits the boy walking past
and if this was a movie, she thinks, they'd fall in love
but this is real life, and she is too damaged to even
she's too broken and he's too oblivious
and it's too goddamn late, no matter how pretty h
half-priced whoremaybe in fifty years,
she will stop feeling his finger-shaped bruises
on her hips and arms.
stop hearing his words—you think you can stop me, little girl?—
in every passing "are you okay?".
stop feeling the wind like a ghost of his acid breath
on the back of her neck
beautiful, beautiful, beautiful little girl.
maybe fifty thousand dove soap bars later
and too many scalding showers
and dusty baby blankets and days spent lying in bed,
looking up at the water stained ceiling,
will be enough to leave the man
on the corner of anderson street and rosa parks avenue
right where she never wanted to find him.
just ask her, she knows first hand
that worlds don't end in bangs but
she knows what it's like to die with a fist
over your mouth and fear in your nostrils.
pretend she is made out of ashes and paper thin words—mourn
the loss of her innocence, her freedom, her control.
cast her out into the ocean to dissolve among the waves,
find her a god dirty enough
sometimes i feel like a superherothe house across from my bus stop
is a temporary funeral home, but back when the Yankees controlled the town,
it was owned by a family whose daughter rode bareback
twenty-seven miles in the middle of the night to warn her
rebel leader of a lover that the Yankees were coming for him,
the Yankees were coming, the Yankees were coming,
the Yankees are coming, John, get out, quick!
and maybe she tripped and fell,
or her red cape got tangled up in her stirrups and ideals,
because by the time she rode into the neighborhood,
the houses were already on fire, children were already
crying for their mothers, and her John
was already hung up on the gate as an example
to the other rebel.
the next morning, the Yankees strung her
dead body up next to his.
no one ever told them life wasn't fair.
maybe that's why when i first tasted lemonade
i spat it out onto the ground,
and didn't drink it again until i was twelve years old,
and feeling biter and sour and in need of a little sugar.
when i was little,
count to infinity before you sleep.cause i know
there are days when
it's painful to even breathe,
your throat closing up on the knowledge
that you don't know
how much longer you'll be waiting on this
band-aided, superglued planet.
every cell in your body vying to be the next to die,
and all you have to tell them is
maybe. maybe next time.
those are the days you spend
cutting rose thorns into your palms
and clenching your fists tight around
jagged reflections and prismed rainbows.
the days you realize
we're losing so much faster than we're learning.
we're maturing faster than we're growing.
adults stuck in the bodies of kids,
moving around, making the mistakes
no one ever wants to look back on.
those are the days you realize
it's not worth living here anymore.
you're using too many burnt-like sugar words
to get what you want, a mistaken human in wolf's clothing.
your lies are becoming louder than your screams,
but if the knife fits wear it on your skin.
this is the age where you feel caught between
stop me if you've heard this one beforei.
there is a man on the corner of my street
who gave me a bottle of bleach
and told me if i drank it, i'd finally feel clean.
but i gave it back to him, and went home to take a shower.
because i am almost happy,
and i do not want to mess that up by
chugging bleach or fingering knives or thinking too much
about that man who turned my insides cold
from inside of his car.
because this has to be happy.
this has to be what happy feels like.
it feels like god gave me a vodka bottle
filled with nature and people and oceans and deserts and seas,
cause see, it feels like i'm drunk on life.
i have this nervous habit of scratching holes in my skin
and my mother says it's because
i'm trying to find something beautiful inside me.
she said i need a psychiatrist.
my friend asked me if i needed itching crème.
i keep laughing about stuff that's probably not funny.
i don't want it to rain anymore.
used to, i liked the rain,
because if i squinted, all the lines would be blurred.
not all humans go to heavencock it
april 23 2008
“bye mom. i love you so much, i swear
i’ll be home soon.”
“please, you’re only eighteen, you have your
whole life ahead of you, please
don’t throw it away.”
“i’m going, mom. i’m going overseas
but i swear i’ll be back before you
miss me. love you!”
most nights he shakes himself awake
with the vision of bombs and fire and bullets
still imprinted on his eyelids.
he doesn’t know what to call them.
the dreams, i mean.
what do you call bad dreams when
you’ve already lived the nightmare?
his therapist says his problem
is he thinks he’s not normal, that he doesn’t fit,
that he’s a special kind of monster.
she tells him that the key is figuring out the ways
that he’s the same.
so when he’s alone, or worried or stressed
or tired or hurt or wishing he were dead,
he traces over his collarbone and says
you put the 'u' in dysfunctional1. your lips taste like spun sugar and your wrists
hold him down like razor blades.
he is bending into you, he is breaking because of you,
he is telling you not to stop.
if you were drunk, you would mistake this as love.
2. here is the jaded world, banging on your door at seven a.m.
you’ve been the same person ever since freshman year,
gravitating towards the people who don’t care
whether you break them or take them.
you’re a slut who lost it in high school,
but at least you’re not the prude who didn’t.
1. he sits you down at the kitchen table
and tells you over red wine that some people
are made for bleeding and you take a sip,
and tell him he has the perfect complexion for bruises.
make a list of what you know of love.
fill it with whatever clichés
you’ve thought of when he rolls away from you
in the middle of the night, like an empty confessional
the morning after a one night stand.
end it with a question mark.
ask him to do the same and he
Audreydear girl i sit by in english
this is for you.
this is for you because you are
the dreamer of impossible dreams, and the
doer of improbable things.
this is for you, because
you balance on two legs when your life
is spinning out of control
and poetry will always confuse you.
you love fudge brownies like you love
every single guy you like.
for so long, the only thing i knew about you
was the fact that you liked reptiles in second grade.
this is for you, because
you walk around swim meets without pants
and brush your hair in the bathroom before lunch.
you're a mess of contradictions and the most
securest insecure person i have ever met.
this is for you because
i still feel guilty about the reptile thing and
you once begged me to use the line,
"you played fruit ninja with my heart" in a love poem.
this is for you because
you told me in third grade that
grace, everyone has the thing they're best at—
ady's the artist, you're the writer, mili's the smartest.
what am i? what's my niche?
Lo Que Sera Sera (Only the Ocean)Hair stiff and wavy with sea salt
she wipes foam from her eyes surfacing
from a thousand fathoms below where
the horizon quietly hangs.
Two footsteps on the sand, forwards
and backwards. A story of an idea,
a brief spark, seaweed lacing over
'I wanted to find the bottom of the
ocean. Stand at the very depths
and cup daylight in my hands.
Some fish have never seen the sun
or felt a breeze and I thought I'd
give them that chance.'
Even those not prone to childish whimsy
and hope can show a vague smile at the
thought of glittering salmon and anemones
gasping flickers of sunlight, the gentle
wave of fronds and floods and croon of an orca
to mimic rushing wind.
These are the things
the ocean has never noticed.
We're a little jealous of glorious technicolor
pebbles and pearls. Can the water feel envy?
Show it trees and Saturday mornings with a cup
of steaming coffee and maybe it will say 'yes'.
'I walked into the sea to find the
horizon. Don't look at me like that,
The ColonyThe chimps who discovered a lemon tree
growing on the moon were made the laughingstock
and butt of every joke in religious and scientific communities.
Yet within a year there were saplings,
a small gang of lean and twisted adolescents,
digging into the moon dust.
The first perigee in a century
revealed an indisputable splotch of green.
As the splotch grew into a puddle
and the puddle grew into a lake,
a rash of suicides swept the upper echelons of NASA.
The first tourists or "lemmings" to go lemon picking in the mysterious groves
bounced in spacesuits and dropped tears
that froze before touchdown.
Sucking and squeezing lemons on the return journey,
they staved off scurvy but succumbed to despair.
The moon was no longer made of cheese
nor would the Man in the Moon survive.
There would be no more blanched faces or sutured skulls,
no more orange peels or red moon rises.
It would be a green moon and so the metaphor would have to change.
april 18th, 2012.therapy:
"I'm not an artist. I'm just a kid with a keyboard."
“And, y'know, I’m probably not really sick.”
“I read a lot of books. I probably just act like this because I saw it somewhere on the Internet.”
“I just want to be more like my dad.”
“I’m really just a pathological crybaby who wants attention,” I tell you.
You say, “I think there are better ways to get attention than fake a mental disorder.”
“Maybe I’m doing it for fun.”
The problem isn’t that I need to see a therapist.
The problem is that I need to see a therapist because I dream about slamming your head into a tree.
Right after we broke up, you took me to the bike cage and promised me everything would be okay. Then you got together with that fifteen year old from Michigan and told our friends that I was a freak.
Slamming your head into a tree might be painful, but nothing will ever hurt more than kn
all consumingi don't like
writing about wanting
thing i can seem
to write about
and your skin- I
don't want to write
about your skin, don't
want to have
discussionDo you ever think
life is just
until you don't?
My friend once told me
that everything you do in life
simply leads up to your death.
Which, I suppose,
but I like to think of it
as living and living
until death stops you
from living anymore.
"Why do anything in life,"
"if you're going to die anyway?"
I thought for a moment,
and then replied,
"Why do people send roses
to their loved ones
if the flowers just die?
Maybe everything is
Maybe we should stop
looking for forever,
because we're never going
to find it.
You don't get a prize
It would be in your best interests
to live right now,
don't you think?"
thoughts in my ankles 1.
sometimes i think i must be hanging
with hooks in my ankles
and chains strung to the stars, arms
wriggling to hug the planet close in
an attempt to reach the
and my eyes are bouncing
out of my head
on twine harnesses like they're
dancing on measuring-tape ribbons
until they slip and plummet and land far
below with a splat.
sometimes i think the moon has an
on a relapse-recovery-relapse
cycle. starving until
he disappears and then, frantically,
he climbs back into life,
gorgeous and round and bright
but the mirror cracks up
behind him and wraps her
arms around his neck again,
pinching cheeks and warning signs
and i watch from my twisted
perch in the sky.
if the skin of night is my notebook,
can they read the dark letters?
i hold pens b
scar-crossed(my fingers are colder than the solemn blue
buried in her eyes. so much dead beauty,
like an ocean without waves).
she is fading and i cling to her,
and in this tiny little moment
we barely even exist.
folded in half, fingers down my throat, i try to grasp the intangible.
it lies somewhere inside my larynx, tangled between vocal cords and embedded in my esophagus -swallowed, with grief and need and something else that goes down bitter like bile.
it takes me a while to realize, but when i am somewhere between empty and half-full, that in those minutes nothing is tangible. i am letting loose more than my dinner, i am flushing away my past present future all in one flick of my wrist and turn of my fingers.
in that moment, i am far from infinite, but rather nothing at all.
a boy fell in love with a girl four years ago, and now all he has left is me.
i have tried to tell him that her star went out -that it imploded and exploded and is nothing but a black hole now. she is dust motes and debris; a dandelion hearted girl, blown away with the wind.
hey, i whisper, you know, you know: i'm no good. no good at all. i'm like a stain that never comes out -i
the dying star of your memoryupon returning home
i unzip my weary skin
and push my hands deep
deep into the startling bloom
of my intestines
where each calamitous minute
minute gems of doubt
piercing my bowels
of course, I remove them
only to fix each damning diamond
into the ceiling above my bed
a constellation of regret
and i am an early-morning cosmonaut
the dying star of your memory
catch the stars to remember her wishesi.
she rememberes the little things first.
her favorite color is purple
she likes blueberry pancakes,
and leaves pennies face-up on random street corners.
even with these pieces, it feels like
a huge chunk has been torn away that she could never retrieve
there are scars on her person
she does not remember getting.
her body is a map of memories
she does not know how to read.
they say she used to be calm and collected,
but now she is hot and fiery,
and they don't know her anymore.
but that's okay, because she doesn't know herself.
she misses the sun,
and the bad school coffee and English projects
and her own bed
and the person she was before.
even though she can't remember, she misses.
when they tell her what happened,
car crash. one dead, one survived.
internal bleeding. damage to the brain.
amnesia. amnesia. amnesia.
and she doesn't remember but she flashes between images
like loose strings that she can't help pulling.
a hand to hold. a quick
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Endorell-Taelos is very well known within the community for her selfless giving and gracious community spirit. Since joining DeviantART over seven years ago, Alicia has continued to make a positive impact on many deviants. Her helpful and thoughtful approach was one of her finest attributes when serving as a Community Volunteer, and this has continued throughout the many contests which Alicia provides on a regular basis. As we approach our Birthday celebrations, we can't... Read More