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About Literature / Artist Core Member Grae MatternFemale/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 4 Years
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Dear Past Me,

A couple of months from March, you will forget about this book. You only ever wanted to fill it because your sister gave it to you, anyway. One day you will realize that maybe she never treated you right. That’s not really her fault, but you won’t be able to look her in the eyes for the longest time. You still can’t, not really. You’ve started trying to rebuild bridges that you burnt down between you and her, but it’s hard to create when all you have is a box of matches.

You don’t win your poetry competition—you will tell everyone that you knew you had no chance, but you and I both know you’ve seen too many movies to not have wanted the basketball to go through the hoop from the middle of the court with a second left to spare. You will not keep in touch with anyone from the competition. You will say that you do, but you don’t. That’s okay. You’re okay.

You’re more than okay. You’re loved. I know it sounds impossible to believe, and no, it’s not as magical as you decided it must be. Being loved is not the cure-all you expected. Being loved does not fix your holes and it does not flip your life around. Yes, some people will want to kiss you, but slowly you will realize that you might not want to be kissed at all. But you still want to be loved. You still want to be small. You still cry when someone tells you they believe in you. You still think you’ll let everyone down.

You get accepted into college—multiple colleges. You get accepted and you get enough money that going away is feasible. Congratulations, you get to get out of here, you get to remake yourself, you get to change your name. You get to never feel like this ever again.

You will probably feel like this no matter where you go.

You will probably always drive recklessly. You will probably always give too many pieces of yourself away, like your body and soul are on display at a yard sale, and you’re selling to the first interested customer. You will say “enough”, but you will always keep coming back for more. You will find out that people are hardly ever as bad as you think they are. You will be more disappointed to realize that they are rarely as good either. You’ll be a bleeding mess for so long, you’ll forget what healing is like. No one will show you. You do it yourself.

You will relapse—four times. You will have a relapse in a relapse and you will skip school for four days before you think you can come back.

You’ll be too honest with friends who aren’t honest with you, and you’ll regret so many words and you’ll regret the way they left your mouth, like bullets instead of olive branches. You’ll write angry poetry and bitter poetry and sad poetry and nostalgic poetry and in the hallways, you still won’t be able to look her in the eye.

You’ll still collect every compliment people give to you, off-handed or not. You’ll still check under your bed for monsters, you’ll always skip a handful of songs you refuse to delete. You won’t throw away old pictures of friends whose futures you’re not a part of. You’ll want to. For a while, it’ll hurt to look at them, like they’re reminders of everything you’ve ever lost. You’ll still come up with conversations and gifts to give to them that never go as planned, because you are not the same person anymore and they aren’t either.

You won’t always regret that.

You will be a hurricane and want to be a field of flowers. You will be a meadow and want to be a firestorm. You are none of these things. You are a year. You are all four seasons, with changes you can feel in your bones.

Please do not shy away from your solstices and equinoxes. You have experienced some of your darkest nights and longest days. But tomorrow will be better, I swear.

Yours eventually,
Catherine
a year in the rearview mirror
full title (blasted character limitations): a year in the rearview mirror, with your tires still spinning

ok lol so apparently here's another poem that's basically a letter to a younger self. except this one is filled only with truths (not to say that "an open letter to my twelve year old self" wasn't filled with truths) but it doesn't have a lot of metaphors and it isn't intentionally vague.

a couple of weeks ago, around the end of november, i found this journal on my desk that i had forgotten about. but way back in january 2015, i decided that i would write a line of poetry (or more, depending) every day in that notebook. and until march 19th, i pretty much did. but then i forgot, blah blah, fell into disrepair, empire crumbled, blah blah, and then in november when i found it, i went back through and i read all the entries and i just sat there for a bit, thinking mainly about the differences between Past Me and Present Me. and so i kind of stress-wrote this in like ten minutes cause i felt like i needed to. so it's probably not a piece that's easily relatable, as i mention specific events and emotions, but i wanted to post it anyway as a good way to end 2015. 

a note: there was a good string of pages--end of february to beginning of march--where the only thing i wrote was 'tomorrow will be better', which is why i chose to end the piece that way. also, i include the name 'Catherine' at the end of the piece cause that's a change lmao

last note: i think it's pretty interesting looking at this piece compared to the other piece i did to my twelve year old self. i think in that one, i'm focusing on all the good things that have happened that my twelve year old self never expected to happen. it's more of an uplifting poem about change and hope. and then this piece (prose?? prosetry???) has some happy stuff in it and some hopeful stuff, but it also has some bad stuff in it and the ending isn't exactly happy, like idk by saying 'tomorrow will be better' it's kind of implying that today isn't better yet. so yeah it's hopeful but it's not rose-tinted, or whatever the saying is. to me, this piece is more real because it talks about the good things i never expected could happen and also the bad things. 

y am i analyzing my own poetry i have no idea i think i need to go back to school just to have something to do
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i have spent the past three nights shaking and
thinking about how many poems i would write if i knew
where to send them. don’t think that i’ve forgotten you,
please, because i promise i haven’t. i still remember how you
take your eggs on saturday and how you make yourself
fall asleep when it’s four a.m. and you don’t want to leave yet.

it’s more than that too, okay, i remember your body,
firm against my body, your voice in my car,
your hair ties around my wrists, your chest rising
and falling with every one of my heartbeats.

you were
all my poems. you were everything significant.
you were my late night tuesdays and the only thing that
got me out of bed on wednesdays.
you were too risky to let go of, you were always
too much to hold.

i’m sorry i don’t know your new address.
but i still have the old one on me somewhere, pressed
into the soles of my feet and the gaps between my teeth.
i remember who we were there, hiding behind
your garden shed and picking blackberries to stain our fingers.
i remember thinking that if i kissed you then, you’d taste how
purple looked, tart and cold against the roof of my mouth.
i remember thinking that i would never grow out
of the butterflies you gave me when you held my hand still
to read my future. i remember thinking that
i wanted to write the world down on a sheet of paper
and give it to you.

i remember thinking that i wanted to
kiss you then, purple lips and all.

so when i tell strangers that you helped me write my first poem,
i mean that you gave me the first secret i was too afraid
to tell anyone else about.
i didn’t know how tight i was holding the memory of you
until i realized it was time to let you go.

i got your letter the other day, and i wondered if
you still only drink champagne with your eyes closed—
i’m sorry,

i do not think i will be able
to make it to your wedding, but
i have the invitation pinned on my fridge.
you look happy and beautiful and dizzy in love,
and i can’t believe i missed that.

make a toast for me, if you notice my absence,
if you remember the length of my heart line,
if you sometimes wake up in the middle of the night
and taste blackberries at the tip of your tongue,
and if you don’t—
then i think that is, probably, for the better.
in congratulations on your recent nuptials
is this title even grammatically correct??? do i care??? :/ yes..... im sorry. i spent like fifteen minutes trying to google congratulations in/congratulations on/congratulations for and tbh i'm even more confused now. pls someone tell me and i'll make it right--i'll consider making it right cause its just plain embarrassing like this fcukk

so this poem was like mostly written after i finished my econ final and had nothing to do for the remaining hour. it's supposed to be kind of like getting a wedding invitation in the mail and then feeling all nostalgic because the person used to be like your best friend or something (i kinda added a bit more 'unrequited childhood crush' kinda thing to it...soz) and just realizing that you've lost contact with people who you thought you'd always have, who you thought would be in your wedding, etc. etc. 

(does that even make sense?? is it too late to be trying to communicate??? yes)
clarification because i realize that the poem can sound like really?? creepy?? and stalkerish??? left by itself....honestly it wasn't supposed to be like angry or bitter or jealous, just more nostalgic and a bit sad. ya feel???

anyways happy holidays!!!!! almost a new year!!! new year new me!!! lmao who am i kidding!!! new year new you!!!
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well, more like this week. and like, i'm scraping the bottom of the barrel on songs to listen to for exam studying and just for driving and things!!! please please please give me a couple of your favorite songs i really wanna talk music with someone!!! i'm like getting desperate now. support your local poet pls!!! i'll even like clap back with one of my fave songs or something :< pls thanks i love you so much
well, more like this week. and like, i'm scraping the bottom of the barrel on songs to listen to for exam studying and just for driving and things!!! please please please give me a couple of your favorite songs i really wanna talk music with someone!!! i'm like getting desperate now. support your local poet pls!!! i'll even like clap back with one of my fave songs or something :< pls thanks i love you so much

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MisfitableGrae's Profile Picture
MisfitableGrae
Grae Mattern
Artist | Literature
United States
I hate talking about myself for any length of time. My favorite part of the summer is the fireflies. My mother doesn't understand why I like the rain so much, but let's just put that on the ever-growing list of things my mother doesn't understand about me. I don't know what to do about that. I do this weird thing where I don't reply to comments and don't tell everyone that follows me that I love them but I love them and on Bad Days, I reread the comments and look at my watchers and I smile and fall a little bit more in love with humanity in general. I'm allergic to every nut but peanuts. I am a horrible human being. But some days I can convince myself that that doesn't necessarily mean I'm not a good person.
-Grae
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:iconwindfragments:
WindFragments Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy Birthday! :hug: :cake:
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Xmzv Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2016
Happy birthday! :>
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Adrolyn Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Have a nice birthday :party: :cake: :party:  =)
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DerplyHiggins Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2016  Student Digital Artist
yoooo happy birthday!! have a wonderful week
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ithaswhatitisnt Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
happy birthday!! :tighthug: :heart: :iconrainbowcakeplz: I hope you're having a wonderful day!! :happybounce:
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Dickywebster Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2016
Happy birthday :)
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:iconaliqj:
AliQJ Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2016
Happy birthday!! Hope you have a lovely day and a wonderful year full of opportunities and poetry and inspiration and caring people!! (Note: I'm assuming dA is right and your birthday is tomorrow, but even if it's not I still wish you a great year!)
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:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank You (16) by daniya-ART
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:icontoxichype:
ToxicHype Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
It is a little after 3am where I reside and your words are threatening tears from my eyes. Your level of skill and flow is not only fascinating and intriguing, it is what I aspire to be. Thank you for existing and thank you DeviantArt for showing your works in the "More from deviantart" section on some of my own pieces. I have found a new favorite DA poet. 
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:iconaliqj:
AliQJ Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2015
I don't like you.
Because reading your poetry has ruined me...
...for ever reading anyone else's poetry ever again.
I read some of your work, and then I tried to go back to reading other writer's poems, and they bore me and they don't touch me the way yours do.
And if you ever publish a book, I will buy copies for all my friends and everyone that needs to hear something beautiful.
I just wanted to let you know that you are amazing, because everyone needs to hear that, and never stop "talking about yourself" because it's so fascinating and relatable and perfect. Hug 
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